I’m going to try something a bit different. A couple years ago, I was doing a segment called Rapid Retrospect. Basically, it was 4-6 mini reviews lumped into a list. I’m finding that some of the more recent movies I’ve been watching tend to fall into a generic area, where there’s not quite enough for me to give lengthy review. So for the time being, I will try to make a list of three movies and post them at the end of the month. This month’s block comes from a Netflix horror binge that occurred when I was deathly ill.
Baskin (2015) 3/5
I first heard about this when I noticed different horror fan pages on Facebook ranting and raving about it. After doing some digging, it earned high marks because it one of the best splatterfests in the last 5 years. Me being the demented individual that I am, I was overjoyed when it was added to Netflix not too long ago. I have to say, I’m a bit disappointed. It definitely satiates anyone who loves gore, and it is downright horrifying at times. However, I have more questions that answers. Are they actually in hell? Or is this purgatory? Did that woman in a hula skirt give birth to some sort of calcified baby, or pass the world’s worst kidney stone? I don’t think I want the answer to that last one.
Anyway, this is decent if you want moments of Lovecraftian-like horrors with a questionable plot and disgusting moments. I kind of think of this as a rough draft version of In the Mouth of Madness. It lives up to the hype about the gore, but I feel like that’s pretty much it. If you want a very realistic depiction of a Black Mass (and weird, demonic beings humping each other), give this a shot. If have a weak stomach or easily grossed out, stay far away.
Holidays (2016) 3/5
All things considered, I really think this should have been better than what it actually was. Some segments are predictable, while others reek of a cocaine-fueled brainstorming session. For example, Valentine’s Day ends with someone’s heart getting cut out. That’s not original. Hell, we already have a movie dedicated to that damn concept. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are painfully underwhelming. The absolute worse is probably St. Patrick’s Day. I had to Google why the hell a cartoon snake baby was significant to the holiday. Apparently, St. Patrick banned snakes from Ireland. No, that’s really it. I’m still trying to figure out what that has to do with getting knocked up by…actually, I don’t remember how the woman got knocked up, but it’s a safe bet it was in a very dumb way. Halloween is the definition of “meh”, even with Kevin Smith directing it.
Easter, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve are arguably the best in the bunch. How can you not love a Jesus/Easter Bunny humanoid creature that births baby chicks from the wounds Jesus endured from being nailed to the cross? Even better? Apparently the next Easter Bunny Jesus is chosen when bad little kids wake up while he’s making his “deliveries”. It is highly sacrilegious, but also hilarious. Christmas is great because it has Seth Green and a murderous wife. New Years Eve involves online dating, a man with completely yellow teeth, and dismemberment. The whole thing does feel a P.S.A. against online dating, but it’s still pretty good. Normally I would say watch this for the three high points, but I say spare yourself and just find them on YouTube.
Necrofobia (2014) 1/5
I’m going to guess this was supposed to be an homage to Dario Argento and many other Italian filmmakers. It failed…miserably. It just doesn’t make any sense. It keeps toeing the line of supernatural horror and psychological thriller, but it refuses to fully commit to either genre. Even at the end, everything is extremely vague and no questions are answered. As far as characters are concerned, everyone’s survival skills are non-existent. Why is there usually a cop that walks into the killer’s trap, and gets butchered? The worst part is it ends so abruptly that I thought I accidentally skipped several scenes. I will never understand how one movie could have so little plot, and then tries to be “artsy”. Then again, if a horror movie is less than 80 minutes, I think I need to stop expecting anything remotely good.