6 Movies I Will Never Review

It’s kind of hard to fathom that I’ve been doing this for almost 5 years. And to think it all started because I was angry at one of the more recent incarnations of Hellraiser and its chubby version of Pinhead. Back when I first started, I reviewed ever single movie I watched and gave a scene by scene analysis of the entire thing. Is it any wonder that I reached burnout about 6 months in? Then I tried doing 4-6 condensed reviews in one post. That’s 2-3 hours per movie that I would have to devote to watch it, plus another 1-2 hours to write that post. Burnout occurred yet again. We’re also going to ignore my attempts to review anthologies. My whole point is is this is all done of my own enjoyment, and the fact that I’m able to entertain others. However, it got to a point where I figured out I do not have the time nor the resources to review every single thing I watch. It takes the fun out of watching movies. That being said, there have been some films that I will not revisit even if I have the opportunity to do so. Why? There are so many reasons, but more than likely it’s simply this: I can’t stomach watching certain movies again.

A majority of movies that I absolutely refuse to do are disgusting, offensive (even by my standards), or I don’t like the overall message that is presented. Some of these I have watched once, but depending on the subject matter I turned my head in disgust and missed a lot of key details. As you guys know, paying a little too much attention to detail is kind of my thing. I won’t review a movie if I feel I haven’t gained enough information to back up my opinion. So if there’s something you want me to review that happens to be on this list, just know that’s never, ever going to happen. Starting with:

6. The Sharknado franchise (2013-?)

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Okay, so I fully admit to being mildly entertained by the first one. It has to be one of the dumbest premises in cinematic history, but hey…it was a little funny at times. Then they just had to make a second one. Then a third. Then a fourth that I’m surprised didn’t get shut down due to copyright infringement. I think we can safely assume number five is on the way. So why won’t I review any of them? You guys should know by now how much I completely loath The Asylum. I think they’re con artists that take away resources from film-makers that actually give a crap about making a decent film. Also they’re so artistically challenged that they don’t have any sort of original plots.

Their credits include films like Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies, or Snakes on a Train. They got semi lucky with the first Sharknado only because it was too dumb for people to pass up. Miraculously, this still holds an 82% rating on the now controversial Rotten Tomatoes site. Then they got greedy, and turned this hot mess into their cash cow. I’m not buying into this anymore, and I’m not going to support a company that is okay with blatantly ripping off the hard work and talent of others. How this company is still able to make movies is honestly beyond me.

5. The Green Inferno (2015)

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I love Eli Roth, I really do. He’s the reason why I am a self-professed gorehound. But…he is far from perfect, and The Green Inferno is glaring proof of that. There’s the obvious fact the release date for this consistently got pushed back, but that’s not the main reason why I won’t touch it. It’s because of the reason why it was made. For those that don’t feel like clicking the link, Roth basically says he made this because of modern activism and so-called “keyboard warriors”. He claims that while we might want to help, we won’t inconvenience ourselves to do so. My problem with that statement is there are so many organizations and individual people that go unrecognized for their efforts, and yet Roth wants to focus on the minority groups that won’t give up their daily Starbucks just to donate a couple dollars?

I kind of have to call BS. Not to mention, the way he pretty much says “screw you” to these people is a bit extreme. Cannibals and female genital mutilation? Is that really necessary, Mr. Roth? For now, we’re just going to ignore the offensive indigenous tribe stereotypes, as well as the gore that almost made me barf into my popcorn. I’m a gorehound, but even I have my limits. Even if I ignore all of the questionable social commentary, there’s nothing to this movie except the dismemberment and human BBQ scenes. While I might be able to put my comedic spin on it, it’s really hard to riff on cannibalism and a painfully awkward masturbation scene for 500+ words.

4. Nymphomaniac Vol 1 and 2 (2013)

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You guys have no idea how long it took it to find a still from this movie that’s safe for work. You’re welcome. Anyway, this requires a little bit of explanation. Director Lars Von Trier admitted in an interview that whenever he’s going through some sort of psychological turmoil, it’s projected into his movies. It sounds like the ultimate therapy, but what we end up seeing is incredibly graphic sex, abusive relationships, and violence against women and children. Dude has some serious issues that need to be worked out with a therapist, and not a camera.

Nymphomaniac is the worst offender. I knew some sex scenes would be involved, but I was not expecting the 5 minute sequence showcasing penises from every race there is. I also could have done with the threesome that included men that were so well endowed that is was borderline comedic. The most disappointing part is that this would have been an incredible movie if it had relied on story instead of full frontal. Either volume is basically two hours worth of porn, peppered with drama. Lars Von Trier is an outstanding director, but unfortunately his demons got the better of him this time. And because of that I’m not willingly going to sit through this again.

3. The Human Centipede trilogy (2009-2015)

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I think it took me less time to find a safe for work still for Nymphomaniac than it did for this. I blame curiosity as the reason why I sat through the first two. But once I finally figured out this whole series is a way for a grown man to act out his poo porn fantasies, I quickly gave up. Normally I will see any and every franchise to completion (except for Sharknado), but Tom Six pisses me off so much that I can’t support this. It’s movies about people being forced to eat poop. Do I really have to give a lengthy reason as to why I don’t want to review that?

2. A Serbian Film (2010)

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Just want to mention it took 45 minutes to find a non-graphic still. Where do I start? An infant being violently raped? A drug-crazed father raping his son? A man murdering a woman, then raping her blood-covered corpse? See a theme here? That’s because director Srdjan Spasojevic says the movie is a metaphor for the Serbian people being “raped” by the government. I’m not making this up. I know absolutely nothing about Serbia, so I’m not going to comment on whether or not there is some sort of foul play within that country. What I don’t understand is what possessed this dude to show what are arguably the most notoriously graphic scenes in cinema as a way to bring awareness to Serbia. Why didn’t he just make a documentary?

What good does showing an infant being raped for the sake of creating an unbelievably sick new genre of porn actually do? Maybe I’m taking crazy pills, but I don’t think that’s best way to gain help for your country. Honestly? I shut this off. I only know what happens because I had to Google the most notable scenes from the movie instead of watching this mess. The issue I have is the choice to use shock value, and then claiming it’s used to bring awareness. I would respect directors a lot more if they could just be honest: they want notoriety and to achieve cult status at any cost. They don’t care about making a good movie. This is best example of that.

1. Nekromantik 1 and 2 (1987 and 1991)

I’M NOT GOOGLING A STILL FOR THIS. Instead, here’s a picture of a cute puppy, because I refuse to relive the imagery in this movie.

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This is a movie about having sex with corpses. I repeat: This is a movie about having sex with corpses. I’m afraid to Google stills from this movie because 1. Google safe search is a freaking joke, and 2. I’m pretty sure I’ll end up on some sort of F.B.I. watch list. Being a horror fan has lead me to some horrible, life scarring things. I felt this impulsive need to seek out the most disturbing, and vile horror movies around. This consistently makes the top 10 on any disturbing horror list, and it is well earned. This movie doesn’t have one or two scenes of…I really don’t want to say it again. One scene in the first movie easily surpasses the 5 minute mark, and I don’t even want to talk about the stomach turning finale in part two.

I don’t think there was ever a point to this movie. I’m convince the German filmmaker behind this (again, I have zero faith in Googling that), just decided he wanted to film naked women bumping uglies with dead people and call it “art”. Whatever the case may be, this is something else that is notorious, but I don’t think it’s for the right reasons. I won’t knock the creativity and work that went into making this…but it’s really hard for me to compliment a movie about boinking corpses. I don’t actively hate it like some of the others on this list. I just really, really, do not want to watch this again…ever.

 

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