ABCs of Death 2 U-Z

u is for utopia

Sometimes, I commend the directors that stick with the genres they know. Natali is no different. His most notable works include Cube and Splice. It’s pretty apparent he loves the Science Fiction genre, and feels no need to deviate from that. Some might think that’s lazy, but it works for him. This segment is no different. I give it 4/5. I like the concept of some kind of…well, utopia that will take any measure to insure perfection. I’m 99% positive there’s some sort of social commentary or criticism here, but that’s a little too far out of my range for me to comment on. Overall, yet another solid segment in this bunch.

 

v is for vacation

I’m starting to think that traveling outside of the country is horrid idea. Or…maybe you shouldn’t do copious amounts of cocaine with your highly unstable “best friend”, who hates your girlfriend for no reason? Why would you even travel with such an individual if you know they’re going to make your life a living hell? Why would you video chat with your girlfriend if you cheated on her with hookers the night before, who are also still in your hotel room? I know I’m asking a lot of questions, but this segment requires way too much suspension of disbelief. In order for the events here to play out, you have to be a complete idiot. The only payoff is when the asshole friend got stabbed in the neck by a rusty screwdriver-wielding, pissed off prostitute. I also don’t get why she got that mad in 30 seconds, but whatever. I give it 2/5. It’s way too hard for me to enjoy a segment where I know the events could have avoided in reality.

 

w is for wish.png

This starts off unbelievably cheesy, but the shit gets dark real quick. Childhood imagination turns into all circles of hell with a dash of war. I don’t know what’s worse: the He-Man knockoff mixed with nightmarish visions that seem like the world’s worse acid trip, or the He-Man knockoff in  glittery, red booty-shorts. Both terrify me equally. However, I have to give this 5/5. It’s the same director that gave us Manborg. This was bound to be perfect.

 

x is for xylophone

What did we ever do to deserve Béatrice Dalle? I don’t know how one woman can consistently portray a psycho so effortlessly, but here we are. Not one word is spoken during the entire thing, but it works. I give it 5/5. I think we’ve all had that one noise that seems to tap dance on your last nerve, but this segment decides to take that concept and run with it. I know I should be shocked by the meaningless maiming of a child that was only guilty of maybe playing the xylophone too hard, but I’m not. I laughed at the reveal of the corpse, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that that probably makes me a little warped in the head. Excellent work as usual, Maury and Bustillo.

 

y is for youth

I think we can all agree your teen years are a special kind of hell. But add in the death of your dog, incredibly neglectful and abusive parents, cutting, and facial scarring? I’m surprised this segment didn’t end with the poor girl actually mutilating her parents. I give it 4/5. It’s basically a child’s imagination desperately trying to escape her reality. While it’s a great segment, it’s pretty damn sad if you think about it. She’s so depressed and lonely that the only way she can mentally handle her situation is to think about killing her parents with the tools and vices that they chose over caring for their daughter. This just makes me really glad I’m in my late 20s, and I won’t have to experience anything like this.

 

z is for zygote

In the 4 years I’ve been writing reviews, I have seen some shit. Numerous penises being bitten or ripped off, children mutilated, sex with corpses, hell…I’ve even seen a woman cut off her own clitoris with a pair of rusty scissors. All equally disturbing. But…it wasn’t until today that I actually came close to vomiting. Long story short: a woman manages to keep her fetus in the womb for 13 years. So technically she has a teenager in her stomach. And since this is ABCs of Death, of course she gives birth. I thank God it wasn’t vaginal, but it’s still very disgusting. We see every single bone, organ, and nerve pour out through her mouth. I really could have gone the rest of my life without seeing anything like that, but oh well. To really top this all off, the segment implies this KEEPS HAPPENING. I guess I’ll give this 4/5 purely because all the gore looked so real that I have to question where the props came from. Also I would like to stop talking about this, because thinking about it is making me gag nonstop. Ugh.

 

end of lesson

In one final “screw you” to the audience, there’s actually an after credits seen. We’re subjected to Laurence R. Harvey furiously trying to masturbate to T is for Torture Porn. He’s known for being the villain in The Human Centipede 2. Why was this added? I don’t freaking know. Is it necessary? Far from it. Am I going to attempt to research why someone thought this particular scene was needed? Nope. I am 100% done with ABCs of Death 2 after almost a year. While the sequel is arguably better that the first, the franchise still needs to work on choosing it’s directors, establishing an overall flow, and maybe even giving better guidelines for segments. Maybe a 3rd film will finally work out those kinks. Oh wait…Nevermind.

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