Monthly Archives: June 2016

ABCs of Death 2 Q-T

q is for questionnaire

Well…this gave me the willies. In case I haven’t mentioned it, one thing that always freaks me out is any sort of head trauma or surgery. In this segment, we see a man’s brain get crudely removed and placed into a gorilla’s skull. Why? Your guess is as good as mine, but based on the flashback shots it’s safe to say it has something to do with the man’s “intelligence”. I didn’t know that being able to correctly answer questions that are in every brain teaser book in existence counts as high intelligence, but I digress. I give it 4/5. I say a segment is also successful if it makes me want to know more or wish it was longer, and that’s exactly what happens here. My only complaint is the cheaply made, Halloween gorilla suit, but I’m going to let it slide for now.

r is for roulette

I think we have another case of where a segment’s biggest strength is also it’s weakness. From what I can only assume, we see 3 people in a basement, and I believe it’s set in World War II Germany. We quickly establish that while all 3 probably want to die to avoid capture, there’s only one bullet left. Here’s where things get questionable. We also realize that what’s making its way down into the basement isn’t human. I just want to know what it was. Zombies? Werewolves? I have no idea. It gets 3/5. It does any amazing job building suspense, but I think the overall payoff still left too things unanswered. It’s a shame because this could have easily been the best segment out of all 26.

s is for split

I was kind of surprised by how enthralled I was while watching this. It’s very rare for something like this to hold my attention, but I’m blown away. However…I kind of have to nitpick about the “big reveal”. So you discover your spouse is cheating. That’s enough to make anyone snap and lash out. But you decide to go one step further and slaughter your spouse’s lover’s wife and child, and then wait for the police to arrive and arrest you. I fail to see how that plan pays off in any way. You couldn’t just put sugar in someone’s gas tank? Upload reputation damaging videos to a revenge porn site? What other plans did you have before your actually thought “Nope, I’m going to murder a complete stranger’s family”? It just doesn’t make any sort of sense to me, and I feel like that is a bit extreme. That point aside, this was very well done and probably the cleanest segment as far as filming is concerned. I give it 4/5. If you don’t think about the reveal too much, it’s highly entertaining.

t is for torture porn

I love the Soska sisters, I honestly do. But this had me asking myself: “What the shit biscuits am I looking at?!” From what I gathered, this is one of those porn castings gone unbelievably wrong. Of course, it’s not the normal porn. No, it’s the incredibly misogynistic ones where women are subjected to abuse, embarrassment, and oftentimes rape. In this case, our actress gets revenge…by raping the men with tentacles. I don’t understand how something can make less sense every time I think about it. Anyways, I’ll give this 3/5…I guess. I’m just very confused. I don’t know if I should cheer because female empowerment…or if I should be very grossed out by the behavior of these men and eventual tentacle rape. Then again, this is something from the same women that did Dead Hooker in a Trunk and American Mary. I’m just going to stop thinking about this now.

ABCs of Death 2 M-P

m is for masticate

Here we have something that was lifted from headline news: the “bath salts zombie (or cannibal)”. I have to say, this was pretty weak. Nowhere near as bad as some of the other segments (looking at you, L is for Legacy), but this is still a disappointment considering this was the winner of a contest. It just feels like Boocheck chose to showcase the least amount of talent possible, and I definitely don’t think it was strong enough to earn a win. It gets 1/5. Instead of laughing at the grand reveal, I felt more annoyed. I asked myself how long this whole bath salts zombie thing is going to go on, but it shows no signs of stopping. Sigh.

n is for nexus

This was…pretty boring. The biggest issue I have is I just don’t care. I get that each director only had 3-5 minutes to create a fleshed out story, but it’s not impossible to do. While watching this all I could think was “Meh”. Why should I care? Yeah, it’s kind of sad that in an instant two people lost loved ones…but that’s it. There’s nothing else about this that really stands out compared to some of other segments. This is the definition of forgettable. I give it 2/5.

o is for ochloracy

At first, I would have bet money this would be the worst segment after L is for Legacy. But I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong. Here zombies are now the majority (hence Mob Rule), and the last humans are being tried and convicted for their crimes against zombie kind. I know it sounds hokey, but it’s pretty funny and somehow the most convincing out of all the segments. I give it 4/5. It’s a great example of how to tell a story in 5 minutes or less, and one of the few times you side with zombies.

p is for p-p-p-p-scary

I may have spoken too soon when I said L is Legacy is the worst segment. First of all, please explain to me how the hell P is for P-P-P-P Scary even makes sense? Don’t worry, I’ll wait. Ignoring the title, let’s look at the segment itself. I’m going to assume Rohal is trying to pay homage to (or probably make fun of) old vaudeville films, while adding Scooby Doo like “scares”. Even then, the scares don’t even come close to making any sort of sense. The only credit I can give is the baby with a man’s face and booming laugh. That would freak anyone out. However, this is still 4 minutes of my life I will never get back. This gets a 0. Todd Rohal, you should be ashamed of yourself for being this damn lazy.

ABCs of Death I-L

We’re just going to ignore the fact that I disappeared for 10 months, and continue with ABCs of Death 2 as if I never left. Okay? Good.

i is for invincible

I think the family here deserves the award for the greediest family members in existence, but that’s not the main focus right now. I’m sure there’s someone somewhere that is complaining about the borderline torture methods used to attempt to kill the matriarch, but screw them. I did chuckle once or twice because it is that horrible, and the desperation of the family was kind of hilarious. I give it 3/5. It’s a little goofy at the end, but as a whole it (somewhat) grows on you.

 

j is for jesus

Given the tragic events that occurred June 11th, 2016, I don’t feel comfortable watching and reviewing this particular segment. It contains graphic violence against gay men by fanatic Christians, and I really can’t stomach sitting through something like this again. Call me whatever you want, but it just doesn’t seem like an appropriate thing for me to do. I can give the gore and makeup effects 4/5, but I can’t objectively rate the overall plot at this time.

 

k is for knell

I’ll admit that I had to look up the definition for knell, which is: the sound of a bell, especially when rung solemnly for a death or funeral. Normally I would nitpick this since there was no bell to be heard, but this short was good enough to deserve a pass. It’s one of those situation where the lack of explanation is probably scarier than actually explaining it. I was actually creeped out, and that does not happen easily. I give it 4/5. A part of me does wish it had explained what the hell was going n, but another part of me thinks it would have lost its charm if it did. I also applaud it for being the only ABCs of Death segment that has come close to actually scaring me.

 

l is for legacy

I don’t understand how so many things could go wrong in one segment. Honestly, I’m kind of impressed by how terrible this is. You have to train to be this bad at film-making. Where do I start? The demonic monkey¬† (?) who zaps the soul from anyone and then turns them into stone? The special effects that I’m pretty sure were created with MS Paint? Or maybe the fact that there’s no way the run time even made it to 3 minutes? I really can’t pick. I’m just in shock that someone thought this was strong enough to be included in the sequel of many ways to die. This is a 0. I can suspend belief for a lot of things. Demonic, soul sucking, African Monkey deity is not one of them.