So…apparently the term for a newborn baby’s cry is vagitus. I guess I wanted to know that. I don’t know what to make of this one. There’s something about mentals, a decapitated baby that’s “The Prophet”, an infertile cop that is now it’s guardian… I think Andrews had about 4 or 5 different story ideas and just decided to use them all at once. I give it 2/5. Why vagitus? Is it commentary about how a baby’s shrill cry can make your head feel like it’s going to explode? I think Andrews just really wanted to showcase the many ways someone can lose their head, and they’re all equally odd. I should mention Kaare Andrews is more known for his work on comic books and graphic novels. He’s also the director of Cabin Fever: Patient Zero. That should tell you everything you need to know about his creative talents.
Jon Schnepp directed Metalocalypse, as well as The Venture Bros. You know what this segment is? Rejected ideas for Adult Swim. It’s the same animation style as a lot of the other shows on there, and the same level of absurdity. This gets 1/5. All Schnepp had to do was sift through his reject pile, edit it down, and film it in such a way that does make you say WTF. It’s lazy and weird, and I expect more from the guy that edited Space Ghost Coast to Coast.
Xavier Gens must like showing just how horrible people can be, and what that cruelty could drive others to do. He’s the guy that made Frontier(s), one of the most brutal French films in existence. That brutality is evident here. We have a lonely woman who already hates her appearance, and the verbal abuse at the hands of strangers causes her to do something unthinkable: cutting off her own skin and fat. As shocking as it is, the message is incredibly powerful. I give it 5/5. As sickening as it is, it’s still brilliant. It takes a huge problem of our generation, and it goes to the extreme while still getting the message across. I love it, and it is by far the best segment in the movie.
I can’t watch this without gagging. Do we really need to see the real life version of Herbert the Pervert licking pre-teen boy sweat off of bleachers? I don’t want to see an old man look at young boys the way I look at pizza. It just ain’t right. I mean I guess it’s cool the young boy gets his revenge, but at this point the damage has already been done. You’re so grossed out that you turn away before the creep gets his comeuppance. I have to give it 2/5. I’m all for revenge stuff, but this is one of those times where being that visual is not a good idea. Thank you Jason Eisener, for almost making me vomit onto my laptop.
To recap, we have: naked men forced to make sushi at gunpoint, naked women fighting, and one of them had a giant penis with a sword at the end, an obvious Dr. Strangelove reference, swastikas, naked people shooting into the air like rockets, and a penis that ejaculates rice. Not quite sure what I’m supposed to say about any of this. I don’t even think anybody died. There were just boobies, sushi, rice, and random penises every 10 seconds. I’m just very confused, and highly uncomfortable. I’m going to give this 1/5. I don’t know this is, and frankly I don’t want to know. This is the man that gave us Tokyo Gore Police, Mutant Girls Squad, and Helldriver. What went wrong, I will never know.
And here we are: The end of the 26 ways you can (apparently) die. Liked it? Disagree with my ratings? Have your own idea about what happened in some of the segments? Let me know in the comments, and keep an eye out for ABCs of Death 2.