It’s my second favorite time of the year: my birthday. But because I’m too poor to do anything, I’m not quite in the spirit of things. However, I would prefer to do nothing instead of having any of the following events happen to me. From pissed off clowns to murdering children, here are some situations I hope neither you nor I will ever have to encounter on a birthday:
8. Being Forgotten – Sixteen Candles (1984)
While nowhere near as bad some of the other things of this list, it’s still pretty crappy. Turning 16 is supposed to be a milestone, and having your entire family forget that? All I can say is “ouch”. Then to add insult to injury people are paying to see your underwear, and your sister is bridezilla. Not all of us are lucky enough to have an incarnation of Jake Ryan to salvage our special day. Your one day just comes and goes, and you’re lucky if anyone remembers later on. Better yet, what if this happens when you’re an adult? A whole lot of nothing, that’s what. The only thing I learned from this movie is growing up sucks. Not the best birthday message in the world, but oh well.
7. A Demonic Clown Ghost/Zombie Coming Back to Kill You –Stitches (2012)
I really feel for people that choose to be birthday clowns. Kids can be evil little turds that don’t make a clown’s job easy. Stitches takes that concept, adds satanic rituals with a dash of bizarre, and turns into why I now have a partial fear of clowns. Think about it: you and your snot-nosed friends cause the birthday entertainment to fall on a knife and die, and then he comes back for bloody revenge. Even if you send back Stitches to whichever circle of hell he came from, can you imagine the psychological damage that would cause someone all throughout adulthood? Happy birthday, Tom!
6. Having the Worst Classmates Ever – Bloody Birthday (1981)
I consider this to be the reason why I’m honestly thinking about not having children. Apparently, being born during an eclipse means you get your jollies from offing your friends and family. Granted, it’s the murderers who have the birthday, but I’m counting them anyway. Who wants to go to a birthday party when there’s a very good chance the food and drink is poisoned? Or you could “accidentally” slip and crack your head open? I don’t care if there is a possibility the cake is safe, because there are just some things you shouldn’t have to worry about during a birthday party. I would also make a point to find new friends.
5. A Horny Leprechaun Claiming You as His Bride – Leprechaun 2 (1994)
Technically you’re the leprechaun’s birthday present, but once again this is still horrible. He’s evil, cracks bad puns all the time, kills people for no reason, and he’s super greedy. Just look at him. You’re cursed to have sex with that for eternity. Let’s not forget you’re only his because of who your ancestor is. You’re basically screwed because of the one thing you have no control over. At this point, I think the bad puns are the least of your worries.
4. Being Locked In the Vannacutt Psychiatric Institute for the Criminally Insane – House on Haunted Hill (1999)
I’m not sure where to start with this one. I can understand wanting to have the party to end all parties. However…why in the name of all things sacred would you pick a place where mysterious deaths are still happening; and its failsafe led everyone inside to be burned alive? Oh and the party favors are real, loaded guns? Okay, so it’s some roundabout ruse to frame your husband or something. Just hire some chick to sleep with him, film the evidence, and then you’ll end up with a hefty divorce settlement. I’m not jumping through the hoops that Evelyn did, because look at how well that worked out for her (the word “corrosion” is involved).
3. Receiving a Gift from Consumer Recreation Services – The Game (1997)
It’s devastating having a parent commit suicide. It doesn’t make things easier when you the hit same age when your father chose to take his own life. To make things even better, your life becomes some kind of hellish alternate reality because of a company that now doesn’t exist. You’re broke, alone, and are being shot at and hunted. This all stems from a stupid voucher your own brother gives you. Just kidding! It’s just an expensive and terrifying way to make you appreciate who and what you have. It’s okay because your brother was just trying to help you…by making you think you’re going to die a terrifying death. Thanks, bro.
2. Meeting Krug and His Associates – The Last House on the Left (1972)
I sort of understand wanting to score certain illegal substances for your birthday. What I don’t get is why you would go to a bad part of town, and why would you follow a strange man to a strange apartment filled with people that look like they’ll turn your insides into outsides. But this isn’t a list about stranger danger, so I digress. We have Krug (serial killing rapist), his son Junior, girlfriend Sadie (just freaking nuts), and Fred (pedophilic creep). These are the type of people that will come after you just for sneezing near them. And unfortunately what should’ve been a fun birthday turns into hours of rape, torture, then ends with disembowelment and dismemberment. Just thinking about it makes me want to stay home and watch Netflix.
1. Getting a Good-Guy Doll – Child’s Play (1988)
You probably knew this was going to show up, but I think it’s worth repeating. You’ve been a good kid, and all you want is the hottest toy on the market. To your shock, your mother finds you one. This is the best birthday ever…until cops think you’re responsible for several murders, and you end up in a mental hospital. Not such a happy birthday, is it? I have to ask why any child would want one of these dolls. Did you get a good look at Chucky? The little beady eyes, messy red hair, and that perpetual smile that would give any adult the willies? I’m not saying Andy and his mom had it coming, but I think his mom should’ve bought him a G.I. Joe and called it a day.
Those are what I consider to be my ultimate worst case scenarios. What are yours? Let me know in the comments.