Rapid Retrospect 6/9- 6/15

Haunt (2013) 2/5

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I was going to give this a 3, but then I made it to the end. The rest is a standard ghost story; however it mixes in puberty and sexual awakening. It’s not a bad thing for a horror movie to have multiple undertones, but this fell apart. There’s a murder that only happened because the husband couldn’t stand up to his wife that was only crazy during the end of the movie, and the reason for her breakdown is oddly specific. I’m still a little lost because nothing was really resolved. It’s creepy at times, but there’s not much else to it.

The Last House in the Woods (2006) 2/5

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This is one of the many Ghost House Underground films. After I saw The Children, I had to see what else Ghost House has put released. This is…a little on the weak side. The special make-up effects are amazing for being so low budget. The rest is your normal “crazy family in the woods” shtick. If you’re into really low budget flicks, this is perfect. If you want low budget with substance, I wouldn’t go with this.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014) 3/5

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I can’t believe it, but this wasn’t that bad. I don’t love it, mainly because I’m sick of the whole series. Why did I watch it? I have this irrational need to watch every sequel in a franchise. This same seemed to have what the other films lack: characters that actually feel real. These are just some friends that stumbled upon some weird demonic stuff, but you believe them. There’s a sincerity there that I don’t think exists in the other movies, and some of the scares are actually kind of effective. I say watch it at least once.

Night of the Demons 2 (1994) 4/5

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This is beyond cheesy, but still hilarious. How can you not like a scene wear a nun gears up for a battle against demons? It’s almost as awesome as the priest in Dead Alive saying “I kick ass for the Lord”. It does start off very slow and the CGi is horrendous, but it has that bizarre charm the first one has. Considering this came out in 1994, the acting is alright. Also, there is death by way of boobs turning into flesh eating hands. I think that’s enough of a reason to like it.

Ride Along (2014) 2/5

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If you’ve seen the previews for this, you’ve already seen the best parts of the movie. I think Kevin Hart is funny (at times), but it didn’t work for him here. We get it. He’s shorter than the average man, and we’re supposed to laugh because he wants to be a macho cop. That’s the plot, and it gets shoved down your throat during the entire movie. And since this is an hour and 40 minutes, it’s unsurprising that likable moments are few and far between. This is an unfunny Saturday Night Live skit in feature film form.

Leprechaun 6: Back 2 tha Hood (2003) 1/5

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I only watched this because my now ex-husband wanted to see it. I knew it was going to bad, but I didn’t think it would be this bad. Call me crazy, but I actually like Leprechaun in the Hood. Why? Because it’s friggin stupid and it made me laugh. Back 2 tha Hood (ugh) tries to copy that same outlandishness and falls way short. We know the leprechaun is basically a stoner. Do we really need to see him raid the fridge because he has the munchies? Or what about him trying to steal the girlfriend of one of his victims by telling her he has a huge penis? After basically being forced to watch this, is it any wonder I’m now divorced?

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