Zipperface (1992)

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2nd to last movie on this first disc, and it’s so terrible that it makes me miss Die-ner. There’s a killer offing hookers/actresses, and it’s up to a rookie detective and her senior partner to stop him. First, let’s just examine the killer. He wears a gimp mask, biker boots, leather pants, and rhinestone gloves. Oh, and his instrument of choice is either a whip or a machete. Based on the description, I would think it would be hard for the guy to walk around without being noticed. He manages to kill 5 women before he’s caught. And the kills? People just get splattered with strawberry syrup, and heads magically fall off. You can see his “machete” is made out of cardboard. How bad does your budget have to be that you can’t even afford a toy sword from the dollar store?

Of course, it gets so much better. The rookie detective is the first female detective in the precinct. Why? Because she has a vagina, and beings with vaginas shouldn’t be able to hold higher ranked positions. Seriously, that’s the tone of the whole movie: vaginas are holding men back from their potential. And yet the mayor of this idiotic town is a woman. That tells me that they’re okay with a woman running their city, but solving crimes? Oh that is too far! She can’t solve crimes because she’s a woman. This whole thing is 89 minutes of boobs and misogyny. Do I even need to go into detail about the acting?

This gets a 0. I knew it was going to be bad, but my god. Keep in mind this was made in 1992. It wasn’t exactly a progressive time, but I’m pretty sure there were female officers. Whoever made this held the belief that actresses were desperate prostitutes, and all females deserved to be called bimbos, skanks, or whores. Doghouse was more female friendly than this. This had to have been written by all men, right? One of the screenplay writers is named Barbara Bishop. Let that sink in for a while.

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