Rapid Retrospect 3/31-4/6

Frankenhooker (1990) 4/5
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It’s time for a new contender for Oddly Specific. Here we have a guy who rounds up body parts from prostitutes, in order to bring back his girlfriend that was killed by a runaway lawnmower. I love this movie. It’s absurd, vulgar, but you can’t help but laugh at the Acme-type hijinks that occur from beginning to end. It’s available through Netflix, but this is one every horror fan should own.

Machete Kills (2013) 2/5
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I really wanted to like this one. If I had a shorter attention span, I probably would’ve rated this higher. Instead, I can’t look past the fact that the plot jumps around everywhere, and it’s implied the 3rd movie will take place in space. There’s the usual bad guy with world domination plans, but here the guy has a Scientology-like cult that he sends to space to colonize the moon…or something. I got tired of all the bouncing around, and I wasn’t really listening during the last 20 minutes. It’s more proof as to why sequels aren’t always a good idea.

Detention of the Dead (2012) 2/5 MV5BMzQyOTQ3MDQ0MF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzM1MTI2OQ@@._V1_SY317_CR15,0,214,317_

I really wanted to like this one. The problem here is that it’s not a tribute to 80’s comedies and horror films. It just rips them off. It takes the plot of The Breakfast Club, and just adds zombies. I’m pretty sure they even copied lines from the script. Combine that with bad acting and cheesy effects, and it turns into a boring take on an iconic film. When a zombie movie is boring, you know something went terribly wrong.

The Purge (2013) 1/5
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When I first saw previews for this, I was terrified. Just the thought of all crime being legal for one night scares the hell out of me. Could you imagine the chaos that would come from that? Well, keep using your imagination because The Purge actually focuses on a home invasion. A perfectly good plot is abandoned to show rich people are closet psychos, or whatever message the writer was going for. There is a sequel that is going to be released later this year, but I don’t have high hopes.

Armistice (2013) 1/5
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I think this would’ve been better as a short film. Instead we see a dude trapped in a house for 80 minutes that has to battle zombie/ ghost hybrids. Right off the bat you know what’s going to happen: he’s already dead, and this place is where soldiers go to atone for sins they committed during war. This point isn’t made clear until the last 5 minutes. The rest just drags on, and there’s no real development in the character or the overall plot. Does the plot seem familiar? It should, because this is a poor copy of Jacob’s Ladder. Save yourself the trouble and just watch any movie that Armistice tried to rip off.

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