5 Things I Learned From Die-ner

I can never pass up a good bargain. So imagine my joy when I found a 20 movie pack that was only $5. That joy was short lived. I really should’ve known it would just be stuff that had a $100 budget, and used a potato to film. I opened it a few days ago, but I’m going to say my first pick deserves to be in the hall of fame of stupidity. The plot is a murderous, Patrick Bates wannabe kills people in a diner, and they come back as zombies. This was so bad that I had to put what was wrong with it in list form. Hang on, because this is going to hurt.

5. The zombie apocalypse will be very slow and quiet.

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Forget what Dawn of the Dead taught you. Zombies will be slower than a snail stuck in molasses, and are harmless if you can outrun them. They also manage to have ninja-like stealth, and gently paw at you before ripping out your innards. If you take away the eating human flesh aspect, the zombies are basically a mildly annoyed cat.

4. Be as hesitant as possible when being held hostage by a psycho.

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Our “heroes” are a married couple on a trip to salvage their crumbling marriage. Of course their one pit stop just has to be this diner, or else we wouldn’t have a movie. What makes it worse is that they had several opportunities to take out the killer and escape. So what do they do? Knock him out, but then waste time arguing about who will deliver the death blow. Here’s the thing about hitting someone so hard that they become unconscious: they will be out anywhere from 10 seconds to 5 minutes. Anything past that equals potential brain damage or a coma. Think about that. They knock the guy out, but don’t have the balls to kill him and get away. So they waste time twice, and give him time to come around. I am not ashamed to say I was happy when everyone died at the end.

3. If you have to explain the title, it’s not clever or funny.

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The full title is actually Die-ner (get it?). That tells me whoever made this honestly thought their audience would be stupid enough to not get the “joke”. Or the makers are so idiotic that they had to name it that to remind themselves of what the joke was.

2. Flashbacks deserve a better quality of film that the rest of the movie.

While the killer is in unconscious-land, he has flashbacks of his childhood. Outside of the fact they don’t explain anything; there is a drastic improvement in quality. It’s such a difference that I’m 99% positive the scenes were stolen from another movie. Then again, considering how stupid this is I’m going to guess the flashbacks ate up most of the budget.

1. Duct tape will fix everything during the apocalypse.

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Zombie trying to eat you? Tape him to the floor. Got your finger bitten off? Tape up your hand. Did someone get a chunk ripped out of their neck? Get a towel, and tape it to the hole. The only thing that was missing was them taping the doors to prevent more zombies from coming in. And now I’m sad because I noticed a missed opportunity in something called Die-ner. I also learned one other important lesson: don’t buy combo packs from Wal-Mart. They’re less than $10 for a reason.

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