As most of you already know, I try to be open minded when it comes to horror movies. That genre will always be my favorite, and I’ll support it in any way I can. However, there are just some titles I can’t get behind. It could be a 5th sequel, a remake of a classic, or sometimes a very stupid plot that just sounds like a waste of film. After doing some digging, I discovered a lot of upcoming releases fall into one of those three categories. Starting with:
9. A Haunted House 2 (March 28)
I know this isn’t exactly horror, but considering what it’s a parody of I’m counting it anyway. I also thought the first one was good. It might have been a lot of fart and sex jokes, but the comedic timing made it fun to watch. I don’t see how that could be replicated. This is from the same people that did Scary Movie. The first 2 are good, but the following sequels were just painfully unfunny. Unlike most of the entries of this list, this does have a chance to be somewhat decent. However, I really don’t have high hopes for it.
8. Night of the Living Dead: Orgins 3D (October)
I really don’t understand why these movies are made constantly. I’m pretty sure most people stopped watch them a long time ago. Did you see Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection? If you did, you must a diehard fan of the franchise. The only connection this has to its predecessors is Tony Todd. I don’t know if I’m just tired of zombies, or unnecessary sequels. Whatever the case may be, I still think Night of the Living Dead should be left alone.
7. Paranormal Activity 5 (October 24)
I have mixed feelings about the first Paranormal Activity. I will say it does not need all those damn sequels, and I will explain why in a full review next month. Long story short, they’re not scary, original, and I just think they poke fun at the horror genre. However, people still pay to see them because here’s number 5. Apparently this is supposed to pick up right where the 4th one ended. I find that a little weird because I was under the impression every non possessed person was demon fodder. This might divide the horror movie community, but I think most can agree this franchise can stop here.
6. Poltergeist (Unknown)
I found out this has been in development hell since 2009. But, it finally got the backing it needed because it is about to end filming. I don’t completely hate remakes, but I think some movies are classics that don’t need to be re-done. Poltergeist is one of those movies. I’m afraid that the remake might rely on gore and cheap jump scares. It will be hard to recreate the terrifying experience the original delivers and I don’t know if this will be able to even come close to that.
5. See No Evil 2 (Unknown)
I actually had to watch the first one because I could not remember it. I see why I forgot it. It’s boring, and the plot is just a watered down attempt at something that has been done before. From what I read, this is supposed to be right after the events of the first one. The problem is the “villain” got a pipe shoved into his eye, fell several stories onto hard concrete, and had a rusty pipe pierce through his heart. After all of that, he miraculously regenerates, and we get a sequel no one really asked for? I cannot wait to play “find the plot holes” when this comes out.
4. The Human Centipede 3 (April)
I hate Tom Six. Actually, I just hate what he created, and how little talent he has. The Human Centipede 1 and 2 are just his poo porn fantasy. The second one added more gore to please horror fans, but it was still disgusting. Think about it: he could’ve chopped heads off and created this horrific humanoid creature. Instead he chose people being stapled ass to mouth, and eating shit. However, he couldn’t even be bothered to do that in the sequel because people were just taped or glued together. He went one step further by making fun of the mentally ill, and a scene of a mother squishing her newborn baby’s head just to escape. Tom Six isn’t edgy, innovative, and he has no idea how to make a decent film. Hopefully part 3 will be the conclusion of his poop covered madness.
3. Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (January 3)
Yep, we’re getting 2 Paranormal Activity movies, but that’s not all. The Marked Ones is actually a Latino spin off. You read that right. Some studio executive asshat decided that the Latino community needs their own string of overrated ghost/demon movies. When I said I wanted horror to come up with original ideas, this is not at all what I meant. I have a feeling Open Peli’s attempt at gaining a second cash cow won’t work. Since Chernobyl Diaries was a flop, I highly doubt this will fair any better.
2. Resident Evil 6 (September 12)
To its credit, this is the “final” installment of the poor video game adaptation. I say it that way because I’m going to assume there is something equally god-awful in the works to take its place. This whole franchise is just a very expensive gift to Milla Jovovich from her husband/director Paul W.S. Anderson. While somewhat sweet, it’s a slap in the face to fans of the game because Anderson adds convoluted plot lines that make the movie resemble the game in name only. Let’s hope he doesn’t ruin another fan favorite after this finally ends.
1. Sharknado 2: The Second One (July)
The first one was a massive joke. Everyone saw it, and had fun because of how absurd it was. The fact that the actors chose to be serious added to the hilarity. I understand success usually means a sequel, but what could possibly be done? Judging by the poster, round two is going to happen in NYC. That totally makes sense. I can appreciate bad movies that are good. I just don’t see how this will be one of them. I can’t help but think of the Piranha remake. The first one had such a dark tone because of the mayhem. Then we got Piranha DD, and all of its bloody, boob filled nonsense. Something tells me that will still be better than Sharknado 2.