Monthly Archives: November 2013

Female Vampire

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I found this on some list about the most sexually explicit horror movies. Me being the pervert that I am, I had to check it out. Surprisingly, it’s currently available for streaming on Netflix.  It’s a French film from the 70s about, well a female vampire. So creative, I know. She’s mute, and goes on vacation at some villa and kills random people. But she’s not exactly the normal kind of vampire. That would’ve been a better movie.

The one we’re forced to deal with kills people by first screwing them, then sucking out their life force through their genitals. You read that correctly. I’m just going to guess that this was softcore French porn from the 70s that was marketed as a mainstream movie. How else could they get away with nonstop graphic shots of women that are apparently allergic to razors? It gets to the point where there’s absolutely nothing scary or sexy about it. The main character never wears clothes, and has several unnecessary masturbation scenes. I have to say those were hilarious because she just rolls around and humps inanimate objects or her dead victims.

The editing is horrible. It’s between hairy vagina closeups or blurry outlines of faces. And I believe there’s only 20 minutes of dialog out of an hour and 40 minutes. Considering I review actual films and not cheap porn, there’s not much I can say about this. This gets a 0. There’s nothing except vagina, boobs, and awkward sex scenes. And the constant unneeded zoom in shots were just disgusting. Yes, vampires are supposed to be sensual and intriguing. But when they’re always naked and can only feed by humping? That’s not a vampire. It’s a succubus knockoff. If you want a movie to add to your porn collection, this is perfect. For the rest of you that just want a decent vampire flick, check out Fright Night or Stake Land.

The Snowtown Murders

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I decided to give this one a try because it has ended up on a lot of lists as a hard movie to watch. Not one to back down from a challenge, I found it on Netflix. I can very clearly see how it ended up in the top 3 of those lists. We have another one based on a true story. This time we meet cold-hearted and mentally unstable John Bunting. He somehow convinced a group of people to aid him in murdering others. His man sidekick was a teenage boy named Jamie, who is the main focus in his film. Jamie…lives in what is basically hell. His parents are divorced, his brother sexually assaults him, and he seems a little too close to his mother.

What follows is 2 hours of the most messed up shit no human being should have to live through, or die from. John didn’t believe in quick and painless. Whoever stirred up his wrath (or was just the most unlucky person in Australia) was subjected to God knows how many hours of torture, then forced them to leave a voicemail to a close relative explaining that were leaving and planning to never return. John, Jamie and their associates did this for 7 years. The movie follows the beginning of the crimes, and follows all the way to one of their last before they were caught.

So I gave a lot of back story. What about the actual movie? It’s one of those things were you hate it and love it at the same time. I hate it just for the subject matter, and a lot of scenes I had to look away because it was so horrible to think about what the victims had to endure. I love it because it’s exceptionally well done. It’s not beautiful actors in a pretty city. You believe it’s real people, in what is basically the ghetto trying to get by. You feel like you’re watching every bad thing happen in real life, and you can’t do a damn thing to stop it. I think that’s just brilliant film-making. I give it a 5 out of 5. The story is incredibly dark and depressing, but the execution is done perfectly. I say give this a shot, but also that it is absolutely not for the faint of heart.

Hatchet III

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I’ve been a fan of the Hatchet series ever since it started. It’s crazy, funny, gory, and all the elements to be considered a horror fanatic’s dream. This is supposedly the last film in the series. That being said…I can’t help but feel like there was something missing. For starters, Adam Green was not in the director’s chair. That task went to BJ McDonnell. He’s mainly known as a camera operator, but name a recent movie you’ve seen and chances are he’s the guy that had part in filming it. I personally think that’s why this didn’t have the same spark as the first two. It’s not a bad thing, but when you watch it you can just tell something is missing.

Then there are the characters. MaryBeth is back, but in this one she’s more psycho bitch than grieving daughter/sister. On the one hand, that could be expected after a 2nd final showdown with Victor Crowley. But for 87 minutes, and she manages become less likeable and annoying? It just didn’t seem right. There’s a whole new group of characters, but none of them seem all that interesting to care about. We do have one other familiar face: Parry Shen. It’s great to see him, but I can’t help but ask why he’s back yet again.

I forgot to mention the sheriff and his ex wife. He’s kind of a dick, and she’s like this New Age hippie that lost her career trying to prove Crowley exists. I’m all for new characters, but these two were idiots. Both risked life and limb (pun intended) just to prove one another wrong. I’ll let you guess how that goes. Now that I think about it, everyone was kind of an asshole. I don’t think that’s how you would want to end a trilogy.

I give this a 3 out of 5. It’s definitely not terrible, and you’ll probably love it if you’re a hardcore fan. But I couldn’t help but feel like it just wasn’t the same. There’s some great one liners as always, Crowley is still massive and brutal, but everything is just…there. And then there’s this weird mush of a story line that seems to fall flat very quickly. It sets everything up, but there doesn’t seem to be any real conclusion. I’m guessing it’s because Adam Green is still hoping to continue the series, although it will be a whole new cast of characters that are affected by Crowley. I say see it at least once. It is still pretty entertaining even with its flaws.

Hypothermia

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Given the last few weeks, I’m seriously considering changing the name of my blog to “The Bowels of Netflix”. And this is the movie that is making me want to do just that. Unlike most of the B-movie cinematic turds I have seen, we actually have a well known actor in this one. I think that makes it so much sadder. Michael Rooker stars as one of the main characters. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 3 years, you’ll remember him as Merle Dixon on The Walking Dead. I personally loved him in Slither, but the guy has been in the business since before I was born. He’s a talented actor, and it’s that fact that makes it hard to believe he would agree to act in something as horrible as this.

Rooker is Ray, a guy that wants to ice fish with his wife, son, and his son’s girlfriend. The peaceful vacation is interrupted by a big city assface and his “slow” son. They all kiss and make up when they realize there’s the mother of all catches lurking under the ice. But it’s actually a monster. A sea monster, that is a cross between the Creature from the Black Lagoon, a shark, and a tree. I’ll let you guess how good the makeup is in this.

One thing I really don’t get is how stupid these people are. They quickly figure out the monster is attracted to any vibrations through the ice. If you have vital information such as that, why in the name of all things sacred would you stay in a very loud trailer right on the ice that uses a shaky generator for power? And then, you basically leave people in prime position to be maimed. That’s another thing I didn’t understand: the creature was extremely violent and strong, so much so that you start to think there’s something supernatural going on. Nope, just a ridiculously smart and strong man-fish.

So, all the men die and the women (finally) high tail it back to land. The creature reaches them just before they make it to the steps, and goes for the kill. The women cower, and the wife gives a speech about how everything has been taken from them and they just want to walk away with their lives. At this point I wish Man-Ray ripped their faces off, but he lets them go. To sum it up, the women survive by using the power of love. The. Power. Of. Love…

I don’t even know what else to say. You waste the talent of a great actor, your monster looks like a damn Scooby Doo reject, and instead of rubbing a couple brain cells together for a good ending you end your movie with the message that love conquers all…even against giant man eating fish mutants. This gets a 0.  I think we need to start a law that requires all scripts to be read by qualified people with taste before they’re made into feature films. Then atrocities like Hypothermia might not happen.

Martyrs

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Have you ever seen a movie so hard to watch that it felt like you heart was ripped out, put in a blender, and the soupy remains are poured back into your chest? That is really the only way I describe what it’s like to watch Martyrs. I remember seeing this on the shelves of Blockbuster back in 2010. I just never got the chance to watch it. But, after the recommendation of several people in Horror Geeks, I decided to give it a shot. And…for the first time I’m completely stunned. I don’t know how to properly review this just because of what happens.

I cannot ignore that this was brilliantly done. The acting and makeup looked so real that I had to remind myself that I wasn’t watching a snuff film. But the subject matter and visuals are like a punch to the chest. It feels like all of the air is taken out of your lungs, and you’re powerless to stop it. The director Pascal Laugier even included an intro on the DVD to apologize for the events you’re about to witness. And after watching the movie, I can honestly say nothing can prepare you for something like that.

I’m not going to give anything away. I think you need to just see it for yourself. I also learned Laugier is in negotiation to have the movie remade in America with a “happier ending”. I think that’s a terrible a idea. Let’s be honest: life is not always happy, and sometimes the villains win. Martyrs makes that point vividly clear, and still manages to shove it down your throat.   It’s amazing how shocking and brutal this is, but that’s what makes it so good. I give it a 5 out of 5. Go out and buy it, and spread the word about it. This is something that needs to be seen at least once.

Blood Runs Cold

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I don’t know much about this, other than it’s one of the new B-movie releases on Netflix. The plot is far from original: friends go to a cabin in the winter time to have sex and get drunk, only there’s a crazy psycho blah blah blah, you know how this is going to go. Except the actual delivery of the film is nothing like how it’s described. We start with some female singer songwriter that goes to an empty cabin to clear her thoughts and write new music. Her manager is a jerk (for whatever reason), and wants her to also do interviews with the press to generate buzz for her nonexistent album. After 15 minutes of her exploring the house with an expression that makes Kristen Stewart seem over-dramatic, she goes to a local bar.

There, she finds her ex that she dumped for “fame and fortune”, and his friends Captain Douche and Miss Forgettable. They have the bright idea to go back to the cabin, and we’re treated to 2 of the most boring 10 minute sex scenes. The next day comes, and all of the singer’s guests are slaughtered like pigs. I mean, there is bloody everywhere, ear piercing screaming, and quite a bit of property damage. Now, most people with half a brain would say oh shit and get the hell out of dodge before they become the next victim. What does our “heroine” do? Cleans up the blood, fixes the damage, and starts writing songs. You read that correctly.

Another 20 minutes of her hearing noises, and she finally meets the killer. I should probably mention that towards the end we’re lead to believe the killer is some supernatural force. I was willing to accept it until she stabbed him, and a cloud of dust along with a fart noise came out. So what is this guy? A ghost? Demon? Immortal? I don’t know. No, I really don’t know. He’s presented as some…thing that kills and eats people, and he can’t die. The end.

This whole thing is a case where whoever made this did not give a shit. They got some funding, convinced 2 chicks to get naked, and got to spray blood everywhere. And it’s stuff like this that pisses me off. It’s 85 minutes I can’t get back, and that time could’ve been devoted to watching something that’s actually worth the celluloid it was filmed on. This gets a zero. If you want to see a cabin trip from hell, look for Cabin in the Woods or Donner Party.