I love IFC original movies. I don’t know why, but Indie films hold a special place in my heart. That being said, there are always exceptions. I came across Spiderhole on Netflix and decided to give it a shot because it’s only around 80 minutes long. I’m starting to think the shorter a horror movie is, the worse it’s going to be. But I’ll expand on that later. We follow four twenty-somethings that decide to become squatters in London…even though their lives seem pretty comfy. They frequently say it’s going to be amazing to be free from society. What has society done to these young adults that makes them decide to go the hobo route? Nothing. They just want to smoke pot, drink, and screw each other. I think they could’ve done all of that in one of their mothers’ basements, but to each his own.

After the most boring sex scene in cinematic history, the group discovers a cabinet that has bloody clothing and also some brain matter. At this point, most people would say hell no and get out. Not so with our group that we’re supposed to root for. The ringleader says they should sleep first, and then check to make sure their humble abode is on the up and up. So to make sure we’re on the same page: college students become squatters because of reasons, they find what obviously looks like remnants of a brutal murder, but ignore it in favor of drinking and sleeping. At this point, we still have to deal with these people for an hour.

They wake up 12-18 hours later and find that the vodka bottle just sitting around next bloody clothes had been spiked with roofies. Shocker. It is then our champions for the Darwin Awards decide this shit is not right and try to leave. However, the doors and windows have been welded shut. I have to stop here for a second. They want to be “free from society” for stupid reasons. Okay, that’s fine. But they choose the one house that is obviously isolated, and also refuse to scope out the place to at least make sure it is safe. And we’re supposed to feel sorry for them when they get turned into steaks?

I haven’t even gotten to the best part. The person that locked them in and starts the off-screen torture is a man whose father was murdered. I think. It’s not quite clear, and after a while you just stop caring like I do right now. To save you 80 minutes, I’ll sum it up: stupid asses decide to become squatters because the world is a big meany face (or something), ignore glaring red flags, then die one by one by some dude that gets his rocks off by dissecting people.This is a 0. It’s slow, dumb, and has so many plot holes it makes Swiss cheese jealous. I haven’t really seen any horror movies about squatters, so I can’t recommend anything better. And to be honest if movies about squatters are like Spiderhole, I’ll pass on the whole sub-genre.


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