Paranormal Asylum

Just because you can make a movie, doesn’t mean you should. Paranormal Asylum is the poster child for that fact. Notice that someone had the balls to say this “gets it right”. Yet another case of bribery or the threat of physical harm to get someone to tell a huge lie. The plot is a group of jackasses decide to go to the abandoned asylum that once housed Typhoid Mary, and film any evidence of paranormal activity to sell to a TV show for fame and fortune. The people we’re supposed to root for even though you want them dead after 5 minutes are Mark, Andy, and Michelle. Mark is a failed L.A. writer, Andy is the stereotypical ass monkey that mooches off airhead fiancee Michelle.

The film quality bounces back and forth between film school and “found footage”. The supposed abandoned asylum has brand spanking new paint and hospital beds. Then there are the ghostly inhabitants. I think whoever made this thought TV static was the scariest thing since Pennywise. Any movement by the ghost, jump scares, and even some scene transitions are nothing but static. Also, jump scares are the only method used to try and be scary. It’s kind of hard to take any of it seriously when the ghosts look like Marilyn Manson music video rejects.

As you can guess, the acting and writing is close to vomit inducting. Everyone looks stoned, and make no effort to deliver a line with any molecule of emotion. I think the most confusing part was the interaction between the people we’re supposed to want to live. They suck. Andy is verbally and emotionally abusive, Mark is a doormat, and stupid ass Michelle holds a seance to “stir up some evidence”. Who thought it was a good idea to create this abomination? Writers Fred Edison and Gregory Scott Houghton, and director/producer Nimrod Zalmanowitz. This is the first major film for the writers, but the director has worn many hats in his 13 year career. However, none of his credits are worth mentioning. While he has several titles as a producer or editor under his belt, they’re all straight to video or short films.

I don’t even know what else I can say about this. It gets a zero. It’s dumb, a waste of time, and I can’t help but think this is making fun of the real filmmakers out there who are still struggling to be noticed. Also the director’s name is freaking Nimrod. What good could come a grown man named Nimrod? Absolutely none. If you want to see something that actually looks like a haunted asylum, look for the House on Haunted Hill remake or Session 9.


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