Monthly Archives: February 2013

Jack and Diane

Jack_&_Diane_(film_poster)

There’s sex, partying, dismemberment, and then things go back to normal like nothing ever happened. I know I’m jumping ahead, but it’s only because I’m not quite sure what I just saw. We start with Diane, who is I hope at least 18. She loses her phone, and asks random people in… New York City? Boston? It’s never made clear just where she is. Anyway, she drifts into a record store and meets Jack, who is another girl. I forgot to mention that there are zero heterosexual relationships in this movie. If that offends you, please stop reading now.

Jack takes Diane to some club where age doesn’t matter, and they end up kissing for a good five minutes. Then Jack gets hit by a car. We’re subjected to not one, but two masturbation sequences. Although Diane’s ends with her turning into some kind of tumor covered monster. Diane is a very special starfish. From what I gathered, whenever she’s highly upset she gets a nosebleed and turns into this monster. What isn’t made clear is whether it’s some kind of metaphor or if she’s really transforming.

Diane also has a twin sister named Karen that we discover was gang raped at a frat party. And it was a very long and graphic scene. How does Karen play into Jack and Diane’s relationship? She doesn’t. At all. We have to sit through her having awkward phone sex with Jack because Jack thought she was Diane, and we see her get raped for five minutes. It was at this point that I realized this is probably one of those stupid “Avant-Garde” movies.

After an hour of everyone running around and getting mad and the shocking twist (?) about Diane going to fashion school in Paris, we finally see Diane transform into the monster and eat Jack’s heart. Just kidding, it was just a dream sequence. 10 minutes later there is another dream sequence of Diane being attacked by the monster. Diane ends up in Paris anyways, and Jack wallows in self pity. The end. I’m dead serious, that’s it. No explanation about what the creepy thing was that they kept dreaming about, and why the hell there so many damn cutaways showing hair growing inside a muscle.

This just wasn’t good. Since I love to look way too deep into things, I’m guessing the “monster” was the manifestation of the things that are preventing them from being together. The two dream sequences were meant to show that no matter what they do, something will keep one of them away from the other. Or I’m completely bat poop crazy and this movie sucks. Yep, it’s the latter. If your movie is going to be about forbidden love, at least eliminate the things that keep the lovers apart. Why didn’t Diane just blow off fashion school and stay with Jack? Why didn’t Jack follow her to Paris? What was that damn monster that popped up randomly?

I don’t have any answers. To put a nice little bow on the crap present, I think this was just an excuse to get women naked and have sex for 2 hours. Thank you Bradley Rust Gray for taking away two hours I can never get back. Because the world totally needed to see your weird lesbian fantasies. This gets a 0. It doesn’t even have enough gore to make up for the stupidity. I can’t give any recommendation because I haven’t seen any good LBGT centered horror movies. Without getting too political or religious, I completely support the LGBT community. What I have a problem with is when a movie is geared toward a certain group a people, but ends up as a caricature of their lifestyle. And Jack & Diane is a great example of that.