Magic Mike

WARNING:
In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last few months or just don’t pay attention, this is a movie about male strippers. Therefore I do not want to hear any complaints about my opinions/preferences on the subject matter.
220px-Magic_Mike
Yes, I paid money to see a movie about male strippers. On the other hand, Channing Tatum is one of the sexiest actors around. I did not want to see this for the story. At the same time,  I never thought a movie about male strippers could be so underwhelming. The first 20-30 minutes are great. There’s just hot half naked men dancing and doing things that I’m pretty sure only happen in Tampa. Then…everything falls apart.We’re subjected to about 6 different plot points. None of them are really resolved. They pop up, screw up someone’s life, and all is forgotten. And we quickly discover that most of the stuff going on has nothing to do with Mike. It’s all about his new protege Adam, who is the biggest ass monkey I’ve seen on screen all year. His sister doesn’t want him stripping, but then quickly forgets about it and doesn’t bring it up anymore. Conflict resolution in this film is basically not bringing it up ever again.

And then there’s the acting. Dear god, the acting. I’ve come to terms with the fact that Tatum is nothing more than a great face and amazing body. Everyone else? I think they all reached enlightenment for terrible acting. The “love interest” first comes off as cold, then uptight and finally a judgmental bitch. Matthew McConaughey must’ve smoked copious amounts of weed in between takes because he just sounds high all the damn time. I was also forced to watch his wrinkly butt flop around on a stage half naked. And Olivia Munn quit what was probably the best video game gig in the world just to play the two-timing slut.

So the story is pretty much non-existent, and the acting is abysmal. There has to be long scenes of the guys being stupid hot for no reason, right? No, because then I wouldn’t be complaining that much. All of the raw sexual energy is quickly expelled during the first half hour. That was probably the best half hour of my life. However, if the entire premise is based on male strippers in Florida, every other scene better be Tatum dry humping, booty popping or pelvic thrusting. I don’t care if that sounds disgusting. I hate false advertising, especially when it comes to anything sexual.

To recap we have bad acting, no concrete plot, a two hour running time with only 30 minutes of stripping. I give it 2/5. Why does it get 2/5? I saw Channing Tatum naked. I consider that to be the only redeeming factor out of this whole thing. I would recommend something else, but is there a movie about stripping that isn’t porn? Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

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