Monthly Archives: June 2012

Prometheus

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I think this is one of those “abandon all hope” type of movies. I know I had high hopes that it was going to be the super amazing awesome prequel to Alien. I mean, just look at it from a technical standpoint: the running time is over 2 hours, and it’s produced and directed by Ridley Scott. What could possibly go wrong? I’m starting to learn that if a movie plot seems awesome, it’s going to suck.

This is such a letdown that I don’t even have enough material to rip on. Nothing happens. I wish I was lying, but it’s true. There are no gory kills, a mutinous crew or (like the rest of world was waiting for) aliens. Want to know why they called this the prequel to Alien? At the end, some humanoid race get impregnated by a face hugger, and the mutated result sort of resembles the alien we’re used to seeing. It’s one scene that doesn’t even last 3 minutes.

Another problem is the casting. Well, 2 people in particular. Noomi Rapace plays Elizabeth Shaw, an archaeologist. Noomi Rapace is best known for playing Lisbeth Salander in the original The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. She also had a supporting part in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. In both films, she is the definition of bad-ass female action star. Naturally, I thought she would basically be Ripley’s predecessor. The character is the opposite of that. That’s not a bad thing, but Rapace just isn’t known for playing weaker characters and that is blatantly obvious. She looks so uncomfortable, and it’s hard to feel anything when you can see the actress doesn’t care for the character either.

The big name is Charlize Theron. I’m guessing she’s supposed to be the bitchy boss/minor villain. I didn’t buy it. To be more exact, it just didn’t make sense. What did she have against the crew chosen for this mission? My first thought was there was some underlying power struggle, but you later find out she was never going to inherit the company anyway. And that’s another thing: the plot goes from trying to discover the beginning of mankind, to family politics. It’s not a smooth transition.

I also have no idea what’s going on with whoever is rating these movies, but they need to be fired. It’s rated R, but there’s no sex, no extreme gore, and I’m 90% positive they don’t even drop an f bomb. The only scenes of gore are a guy gets his arm partially broken and you see a tiny bit of bone poking out, a couple people get set on fire, and a robot gets decapitated. Maybe I’m desensitized, but I’m pretty sure you see stuff like that in PG-13 movies, too.

I’m at a loss here. It’s just two hours of nothing, and there’s no sex or violence to make it mildly entertaining. My first review after a week, and it’s a goose egg. I am very disappointed, Ridley Scott. If you want to see a space mission gone wrong, just watch Alien and don’t hope for a decent prequel.

Inkubus

Inkubus

I love Robert Englund. I love the fact that he chooses to play the most over the top characters, and he totally pulls it off. Inkubus is no exception. If only the rest of the cast was as good at acting as he is. Besides Englund, another face you might recognize is Joey Fatone. He’s the chubby one from ‘N SYNC. And he’s been the host of a couple shows that never got picked up for a second season. He plays Detective Tom Carretti, the head of a police station that’s about to be demolished. We start the film with him supporting his wife while she gives birth. Things go from boring to hilarious when her stomach gets ripped apart by a demon baby that looks like a Jim Henson reject. The even was so traumatic that he ends up in a mental institution. That’s right, this is one of those telling the end first and re-telling the events type of plot.

The re-telling begins with Carretti screwing one of the deputies. Seriously. Well, actually it looks like he’s having sex with table and she’s just bouncing under him, but whatever. After 10 minutes of exposition, they bring in a teenage boy covered in his girlfriend’s blood. During questioning he tells the cops that a man appeared out of nowhere and decapitated his girlfriend. Of course this sounds way too crazy to be true, but right on cue Inkubus (Englund) walks in with the girl’s head and “surrenders”. Then all types of hell breaks loose.

One officer beats the crap out of the teen. Another gets disemboweled and hung by his own intestines. A shrink gets cut it half by a huge knife. It’s so gory and chaotic, but it works. Here’s the only thing I love about this whole movie: Inkubus is the world’s biggest douchebag. He completely destroys everyone’s life in an instant, and it’s brilliant. The rest of the cast? It’s like they collectively decided to ham it up. It doesn’t work. The rest of the movie is him making everyone hallucinate and kill each other. I think. It’s not clear whether or not there’s actually a demon, or if everything is “a physical manifestation of the demons each person has to face”. While that might be an interesting plot in theory, I don’t understand how killing each other in gruesome ways is facing your demons. Guess I don’t think “deep” enough.

All things considered, this movie isn’t horrible. It’s an interesting premise, Englund is creepy as hell, and the deaths are pretty awesome. What drags it down is the rest of the cast. Everyone overacts, and there’s really not enough character development to feel bad for them. I give it a 3 out of 5. It’s not fantastic, but it’s worth at least a one time watch just to see Englund do what he does best.