Shark Night 3D

Every year, I manage to find a movie that just breaks through, and creates a whole new level of stupidity. Last year’s champ was The Human Centipede. What could possibly be worse than some dude’s poo porn fantasy?

I don’t even know where to start with this one. First, it takes elements from the “rich kids on vacation, secluded, no cell phone reception” plot template. Instead of a psycho killer, it adds sharks. And now here comes the inevitable section where I rip this movie to shreds. The sharks are put into the lake by the sheriff and two local country boys. Oh sorry. Spoilers and such. Their reason? They want to make a hardcore version of Shark Week. I was not aware that there is a subgroup of Shark Week viewers that want to see a snuff film. So the Three Stooges have the “brilliant” idea of releasing sharks that reside in saltwater into a fresh water lake. How do the sharks survive? You know damn well we’re not supposed to notice anything that is basic science. One thing I should mention is that we have a B-C list celebrity, Katharine McPhee, best known for…losing American Idol and not being able to have a single that can crack the Top 20. Ouch.

On top the that, they got the director of bad movie bliss, David R. Ellis. If you’re not familiar with him he butchered, I mean directed, 2 of the Final Destination movies and Snakes on a Plane. The weird thing is, Ellis started as a stunt coordinator. His credits include The Matrix Revolutions and Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. The fall from grace is a short one, isn’t it?

Another major flaw is one of the characters. I try to avoid any resemblance of racial stereotypes. Being an African-American young woman is hard enough. But… One of the characters is named Malik, who almost failed his final and is only able to go to college thanks to a scholarship. You can tell they didn’t think highly of this character. As I mentioned, the group goes to the lake, and Malik is the first one to go water skiing. Like I said I really hate racial stereotypes, but how many famous African-American water skiers can you name? Or surfers? My point exactly. Malik is the first to be attacked and loses his arm. Later in the movie, he goes on a suicide mission to kill the shark that took his arm and ate his fiancee. During this whole scene, tribal beats play and he’s holding a spear.

And now for the most obvious flaw: The rating. A horror movie doesn’t have to be rated R in order to be good. It just works out that way. This movie is about freaking shark attacks, and it’s PG-13. All you see is blood in the water, shootings and stabbings that don’t bleed and more blood in the water. As for sexuality and nudity, you get some blonde dude’s flabby butt and a whole lot of side boob. Most bad horror movies know they’re terrible, and add boobs and gore to compensate. This can’t even do that! On top of that, the end credits are 9 MINUTES LONG, with a 4 minute “rap” video.

I’m not going to give this a rating. Instead, I’m going to show you the “rap” video after the end credits, and I’ll let you guess what rating this movie gets. Also, let me know if you actually sit through the whole thing. I owe you a drink.


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