Resurrection County

I think there needs to be an age limit when it comes to a group of people pissing off the local residents. If it’s a group of 18-25 year olds, you expect it. It’s like an unwritten rule in movies that youth equals stupidity. Now, if it’s a group of 4 that are 35-40? Their dumb asses should know better. Especially when 2 are married, and the other two are engaged and pregnant. But, let’s not get too far ahead. Take off your thinking caps so you can fully appreciate the stupidity of Resurrection County.

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One major thing I need to point out: That blonde wearing a short skirt with big boobs? NEVER appears in the movie. So all the guys out there that were looking forward to seeing a nubile co-ed? Tough titty said the kitty. Instead we get the most unlikable cast I’ve ever seen in my life. We have Tommy (the moron), Lucy (moron’s crybaby pregnant fiancee), Sam (asshole brother/husband that gets everyone killed), and Katherine (an excuse to show boobs in this movie).

We start with our main characters at a gas station. We sort of find out they’re on their way to ride ATVs in the woods in the middle of nowhere. Why couldn’t they just do it the comforts of their own state? Because then we wouldn’t have a movie. They get close to their destination, but not before almost running over children in a redneck reservation.  After 5 minutes of witless banter, a butt naked bald dude comes running at them with an AK-47. They freak out and speed off further into the woods.

Stop right the hell there. Who the frack in their right mind would continue to travel further into a place where they almost got lit up by a butt naked redneck? Oh right. Common sense has to be non-existent in this universe. We get to the completely secluded campground. Tommy finds out Lucy is pregnant. Lucy is also Sam’s sister. Instead of being happy for the couple, Sam goes into full asshole mode. His reasoning? He was the last one to find out. Now, this whole sequence is supposed to get you to bond and feel sorry for these characters. I don’t. These people are idiots.

Sam is butt hurt because no one wanted to tell him about the pregnancy. Well, duh that’s because you’ve achieved a level of douchebaggery that takes years to get to. His wife is like a plank of wood: she doesn’t do anything and just kind of sits there. Lucy shouldn’t even be on this trip. She knows she’s pregnant. Why would she continue when she almost turned into Swiss cheese 10 minutes ago? In order for these events to happen, everyone has to abandon common sense, intelligence, and just the basic need to want to be safe. And…we still have 45 minutes left.

Back to future mincemeat theater. Sam and Tommy go riding, leaving the women COMPLETELY ALONE at the campsite. After 10 minutes of the men bitching and the women almost setting themselves on fire, we actually find the damn plot. Sam and Tommy come across a house. Don’t ask me why they were looking for one. I stopped caring. Mind you, as they progress toward the house, there are very large signs that say: “Keep out”, “Turn Back If You Want To Live”, and my personal favorite “All Trespassers Will Be Shot”. They knock on the door to the house. A redneck with an open shirt and man boobs greets them with a shotgun.

Another redneck shows up. The movie tries to go for a whole suspense thing. It just doesn’t work. At this point, I least wanted Sam to die for being an asshole that apparently wants everyone to get maimed beyond recognition. But, Tommy unfortunately saves him, killing the second redneck in the process. Let the crap storm commence.

Alright, I really hate this movie, so I’m wrapping this up: Katherine dies while butt naked and giving a shotgun a blow job, Sam is beaten to death, Tommy almost gets butt raped, Lucy gets an arrow to the head. Tommy thinks he made it out alive, but still gets shot in the head. Oh yeah, the sheriff gets sacrificed for some reason. So…this movie sucks dog balls. I’m supposed to believe people that old are that stupid and oblivious to obvious danger? You know, I’m not even going to go for the obvious here. All I’m going to say is if your movie is called Resurrection County, I better see some damn zombies. This is yet another goose egg.

How can you insult the intelligence of your audience, when your own movie has none of its own? This is like the 2nd, 3rd and 4th Final Destination movies. These events could only happen by very elaborate and stupid means. I would get it if there was alcohol or drugs involved. But all of the main characters were of sound mind and judgement, and they still decided to piss off rednecks? I think I need to go lie down. And I really need to stop getting movies from Redbox.

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