The Dead Want Women

Asylum. Bloody Disgusting Selects. Full Moon Productions and several others. What do those names mean, you ask? They unleashed some of the most godawful movies in existence. Today, we’re going to focus on Full Moon Productions. If the name doesn’t ring a bell, some movie titles will: Subspecies, Puppet Master, Evil Bong, Gingerdead Man and many, many others. The company started way back in 1970, thanks to Charles Band. I gotta hand it to the guy, he does kind of have an empire. While most of his films are pure crap, this is the company that gave us Re-Animator, one of my all time favorite films. That being said, a small handful of good movies does not excuse 50+ bad ones. And dear god, are some of these bad. Now that we got the back story out of the way, let’s find out why The Dead Want Women.

DEAD-WANT-WOMEN450

You might recognize Eric Roberts from… Um… Well, you might recognize him. Poor guy. I don’t think he really ever had a chance considering his sister is Julia Roberts. Tough act to follow. His career has been nothing but B, C, and D movie bliss. But, I’m not here to talk about depressing careers. Even though I would love to do that instead of re-live this buttass movie.

We start in the 1910s-1920. It’s the party of some big silent film actress that everyone hates. Nothing really happens except her giving a speech about how rich and beautiful she is. Sounds modest, huh? Then, she goes into a secret passageway in her mansion. There she meets her 3…brothers? Henchmen? Sex buddies? This movie is 77 minutes long, and it never explains what the hell ties her to them. While I sat there trying to figure out if I zoned out and missed something, poof! Naked lesbians out of freaking nowhere. No, seriously. There’s barely any dialog and then there’s just two butt naked lesbians going at it. Is it a ritual? Is this a freaky sex club? Your guess is as good as mine because no one says a damn thing about it.

Anyway, two of the 3 I don’t know whats join the lesbians and have sex with them. It’s at this point where I was trying to figure out when the bloody hell Redbox started selling soft core porn. Did I mention we’re now 35 minutes into the movie? So far we have a bitchy actress masturbating to this whole thing, a fat dude trying his best to make it look like he’s actually having sex,  and Eric Roberts as a rejected Eyes Wide Shut extra. But, wait! There’s even more.

The actress’s butler comes down to inform her that the studio has fired her because they’re phasing out silent movies, and her voice is too horrible for her to act in a picture with sound. I’m heartless, but damn that was cold as hell. My sympathy for her quickly disappears because she loses her mind, shoots her 3 buddies, her butler and slits her own throat. Oh, and when she slits her throat? The fake wound is already freaking there. Nice editing guys.

We’re now 40 minutes in. There’s 37 minutes left. Do you have about 20 different questions? Too bad, because I’m about to create more. We’re now in present day, and the sex/murder/suicide mansion has just been sold. The realtors are two blonde chicks that I’m just going to call Barbie and Skipper. They don’t do anything for 20 minutes except clean the house, get drunk and wait for the “buyer” to come get the keys.

Big surprise to no one, there is no buyer. One of the sex buddies/ghosts just pretended to buy the house over the phone. Skipper is killed, Barbie is captured and becomes possessed by dead bitchy actress. The end. I did not skip anything. The last 10 minutes of the movie is the realtors getting captured, the “ghosts” arguing, possession and then the credits roll.

Before I go any further, I have to bring up one of my biggest movie pet peeves: titles that have nothing to do with the movie. The dead want women, apparently. Why? For the whole possession thing? Nothing indicated she was into any sort of magic. The devil wasn’t involved. Just poof, capture and bad guys win. Second, are they ghost, demons or zombies? There’s a scene of one of the henchmen getting his whole damn head getting blown off. They say he’s dead, but he’s back 30 seconds later. And, when they appear it’s in the form of a green fart mist. So that leads me to believe ghosts…that can be shot.

I’m mad as hell and confused. This movie just sucks, and it was basically a poor attempt to cover up the fact that it was supposed to be a short about lesbian porn. Yet another huge goose egg. If you want fapping material, run out and buy this now. If you will excuse me, I’m going to drink and kill enough brain cells until I can forget this movie even exists.

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