Chop

You know what hurts the most? Watching a movie that you think is going to amazing, and then it just falls on its ass. That is Chop in a nutshell. I don’t know too much about it other than it’s part of “Bloody Disgusting Selects”  and it makes Automaton Transfusion look like Oscar material. For those of you who are blissfully unaware, Bloody Disgusting is a horror magazine. Yes, that’s all they are. I’m going to guess and say that the movie production aspect of the magazine felt they reviewed enough movies, so it was time to just make one. Oh, how wrong they were. But, enough about bad business decisions. Let’s hack this movie to bits (I am so, so sorry but puns were going to pop up at some point).

The film starts with Lance. His car breaks down in the middle of the desert. Some random weirdo picks him up and they talk about nothing for 45 seconds. Then weirdo asks the type of question where you know your life is screwed: Who would you rather save, your brother or your wife. Lance is stunned and terrified by the question. So much so that he doesn’t notice the big ass tranquilizer gun in weirdo’s pocket. Lance gets knocked the hell out, and we get opening credits. We pretty much go from 0 to 90 in 10 seconds. Any other time this would create suspense. This time it’s more like the movie is desperately trying to cover up that it has no idea what it wants to be. But, moving on.

We cut to a warehouse. Lance’s brother is tied to a chair. We hear Lance’s wife screaming and crying on the phone. Weirdo tells Lance to axe his brother, or his wife will get butt raped by a big man named Rico. Thanks for easing us into the plot, movie. I’m now supposed to feel sorry for characters that I know nothing about except this has got to be the worst night of their lives. Lance kills his brother, and his wife is saved… only Weirdo McDouche faked the wife in distress call. So…Lance killed his brother for nothing. Bummer, I guess. Weirdo goes on and on for a good 5 minutes about how Lance will pay for what he did. It is at that point we finally get to the damn plot: Lance did something unspeakable to Weirdo, and Weirdo wants some hardcore revenge. Don’t get happy. It really isn’t as good as it sounds.

The next half hour is just Weirdo messing with Lance in the most dick way possible: kills his wife, cuts off all of his fingers and frames him. Lance meanwhile has a breakdown where we discover he’s a paranoid crackhead. We’re treated to a lovely scene where he finds out Weird has bugged him somehow. So what does he do? Fingers himself in the butt to see if the bug is there. That’s the first place he looks. No tearing the house apart, just cavity search.

Some other crap happens that I wasn’t paying attention to because I got bored, then we reach…the endings. I say endings because it really seems like the writers came up with 3 or 4 different scenarios, and couldn’t decide which one they wanted in the movie. Lance admits he remembers what he did. While in a cracked out stupor, Lance robbed some dude named Ray, ran him over, then tried to dispose of the body. Ray lived. Only…big shock here… The weirdo isn’t Ray! This is where you’re supposed to be genuinely surprised. Weirdo calls Ray. Ray lost a leg because of Lance. So Ray is more than happy to get his hack and slash on.

Now, I’m going to warn you that from here on out, this is where the movie says screw you to the audience and does whatever the hell it wants. Ray brings along his ZZ Top reject cousin Jed. Jed is gross and creepy. He decides to do the chopping for Ray. He taunts Lance by jerking off the axe and other weird stuff happens that to be quite honest I prefer to forget. Weirdo gains a conscience and calls it off. Jed wants to deep throat the gun. No, I did not leave out a scene between those two sentences. Ray somehow dies. Or maybe he left. Dunno, don’t care. Weirdo and Lance laugh over the shenanigans that just happened. And…Weirdo still chops off his leg. End of the movie, right? If I’m not that lucky, neither are you.

Lance tries to jog his memory again. He remembers that he got a $10 blowjob from a hooker and didn’t pay her. The hooker sees Lance with his wife and makes a huge scene. Lance tries to shut her up, and breaks her neck in the process. The hooker must’ve been Weirdo’s daughter. WRONG. Weirdo’s daughter died of cancer at 13. Weirdo has sex with a transvestite hooker to find out if the dead hooker had any family or friends. We then meet Stephanie, dead hooker’s lesbian lover. Once again, someone else that is revenge happy. First, she wants to chop off Lance’s dick (can’t believe I was actually hoping for that). Instead, we get a fake out and she takes his other hand. Her reason? “There’s nothing worse than a man who has a dick, yet no hands to jerk off with”. So poetic.

Finally we’re at the end of this…whatever the hell it is. Weirdo shaves and puts on a tux. Lance wants to die, and to be honestly so did I while I was watching this. Weirdo injects Lance with an antifreeze cocktail, and then shoots himself in the head. Right before Lance dies, he sees a diamond on Weirdo’s keychain. Lance now remembers him. So what was the unspeakable horror Lance committed against Weirdo? Bumped into him, called him a fatass and flipped him off. That’s it. Lance didn’t steal from him, murder his family…just those three things.

I lost 88 minutes of my life for that. Oh, where do I begin? Don’t make a piece of monkey turd, and just say it’s a revenge horror movie. The only thing that was horrifying was the acting and editing. If you make a revenge flick, then the act that triggers the revenge better be worth it. This was just a fatass who took words and actions a little too personally. Now, don’t get me wrong. Lance was a douche nozzle, too. And other thing: when you put a character through all circles of hell, make him likable. I wanted him to die. In 10 minutes, I learned he’s a drug addict, murderer, cheating husband and just all around jerk. All together, this is yet another goose egg. I can’t even say it’s worth a one time watch. If you want to see a battle between the biggest jerks on the planet, then this is the movie for you.  Those with good taste and a minimal grasp of common sense will look for something else.