Ghosts of Goldfield

I’m coming to terms with the fact that for every good movie I watch, there are two bad ones that will follow. The trend continues with Ghosts of Goldfield.

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The first thing I have point out it that it has one of the actors from Twilight: Kellan Lutz. If you have no idea who he is, don’t worry about it. I believe he only has 7-8 lines in this movie, and he also dies rather suddenly. I just love the fact that the cover for the DVD claims “he outshines his performances from Twilight and Prom Night. And I know why he said that. In both those movies, his characters only get 2-3 lines. So, the 7-8 mark must be like hitting the lottery to him. It’s a sad day when the character with the least amount of lines ends up being the most memorable. Brace yourselves. This is going to hurt…

We start the film with the cheap and choppy float away credits. And this pretty much sets the entire course of the movie: cheap and choppy. There’s zero continuity and I think the budget was $250. Nothing really happens for the first 15 minutes other than a slutty kleptomaniac. I’m not kidding. 20 minutes in we find some resemblance of a plot: idiot college kids doing a documentary on ghosts so one of them can get a TV show on the Discovery Channel and extra credit for her Psychology class. Now, the last time I checked ghosts are not part of any college curriculum, but I digress. The peanut gallery decides to “investigate” Goldfield Hotel, a place where a double murder of a mother and infant occurred. Did I mention it took ANOTHER 20 minutes to describe what I just said?

Before we can get to the motherfreaking point, we have to have a convoluted plot point about how the main chick’s ancestor (a maid of the hotel) tipped off her employer (the owner of the hotel) that his mistress (the ghost) was cheating on him with a bartender in the hotel, and that the baby wasn’t his. So the owner of the hotel went into super rage mode, killed the baby and then tortured the woman to death. Confused as hell? Too bad, because they don’t really try to sort it out later.

30 minutes of the movie is just them walking around, and the main chick having flashbacks of her bitchy ancestor. Oh, and the ghost possesses slutty klepto so she’ll sleep with the main chick’s boyfriend, prankster douche. Why does the ghost go through the trouble of making that awkward scene happen? You’re funny if you really think they’ll resolve any of the plot points in this movie. Anyways, slutty klepto and prankster douche are caught in the act in one of the funniest scenes of the movie. I say funny because it is so over done, and Mr. Twilight looks completely lost throughout the whole thing.

Nothing happens for 5 minutes, and then everyone dies rapid fire. Slutty klepto gets her head or jaw chopped off. I say that because it’s so damn dark that you can’t see anything except blood spurting from the wound. Prankster douche gets scratched to death. Slutty klepto’s boyfriend falls down some stairs. Mr. Twilight gets thrown around like a rag doll under his skull gets crushed. And finally the main chick gets killed by the ghost of the owner. I think. All you know is he burns her eyeball with a cigar and she keeps screaming. Seriously. That’s how the movie ends. No final showdown, nothing is resolved. The climax is over in 5 minutes. Even better? The end credits are 7 MINUTES LONG. The movie would’ve been less than 80 minutes without them.

I’m not even mad at this movie. It’s just boring as hell. It doesn’t go anywhere, the cast is completely forgettable and the lighting is so bad that you have no idea what’s going on 90% of the time. They couldn’t even make the ghost some kind of tragic figure that was a victim. No, she was just a skank that cheated on the wrong dude and it came back to bite her on the ass. There, I said it. This gets a 1 out of 5. I only give it a 1 because I was able to laugh at how stupid the characters are. Other than that, stay away from this one and just watch Ghost Adventures. At least the host is hot…

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