Hellraiser: Revelations

Just so we’re on the same page, I have no system for my reviews. I just pick the first movie that catches my eye on Netflix. Now that you know I have no freaking clue what I’m doing, let’s get into the latest dog turd from Dimension Extreme: Hellraiser: Revelations.

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Let me start by saying, I’m actually a big fan of Dimension Extreme. 80% of their movies are just 85 minutes of gore and penis jokes. I live for that stuff. That being said, I would still like a story and character development to go with gore and tits. This movie has none of those qualities. We start with the lazy formula of two teenage boys that take a trip to Mexico to get laid. To add to the originality, they’re filming their exploits, making you think the whole movie is going to be that whole shaky camera thing I can’t stand. Then out of nowhere it shows one of them opening the puzzle box from hell. He gets his face stretched out by hooks while a very fat and short Pinhead gives his whole spiel about pain and pleasure being one and the same.

While all this is going on, you’re lead to believe they’re showing the end of the story at the beginning. That probably would’ve been a vast improvement over what actually happens. For the sake of bringing 5 very annoying people together, we learn the families of the teens are close friends and have tried to bond over the “tragedy” of them missing. Don’t ask me what any of their names were, because I didn’t give a rat’s ass. Anyways…we cut to the mother of one of the boys looking at the tape of her son’s friend being skinned alive. I think we’re supposed to feel bad that she has to see it, but you never do. Her daughter aka teen that is slutty for no real reason walks in, and tells her mother to suck it up because her son is probably dead and there’s no point in mourning over him. Sounds like a sweetheart, huh?

We’re then introduced to the other family. Less annoying, but you still look forward to their inevitable deaths. 30 minutes of flashbacks that add nothing to the story except that the son that opened the puzzle box is a mean little puke anus that feels the need to bang anything with a vagina. He screws a hooker, then kills her by bashing her bead on a toilet and leaving her to die. Keep in mind we’re supposed to feel sympathy for all of these people. A random bum gives the teens a puzzle box, then out of nowhere we cut back to the families arguing about whether or not they should bring up the memory of their probably dead sons. No time to bitch about that because not so asshole-ish son shows up, bloody and confused. It took 30 minutes for him to show up. The movie is only 75 minutes long. The only scene that is worth mentioning during this whole sequence is that he tries to bone his own sister. If it wasn’t for the fact that there was a jump scare of him ripping off her tit, we probably would’ve been subjected to a full incest sex scene. Thank god for small favors…  But wait! We’re now reaching the climax of the story. I must’ve missed the “foreplay” of the story, but moving on…

After an explanation that still makes no sense to me, asshole son found out his mom was having an affair with not so asshole-ish son’s dad, and the two decided to run away to Mexico to escape their harsh realities. Asshole son made not so asshole-ish son kill random hookers so he could absorb their blood to get his body back. Then he stole his skin, thus sending the only real likable character to get tortured by Pinhead. Asshole son then torments what’s left of both families until Pinhead shows up again to take him back. Dumbass dad shoots the kid before Pinhead can have his super happy torture fun time. For reasons I still cannot understand, Pinhead takes the mother away as payment.

Slutty daughter and dumbass dad are then back in their living room. He dies of a gunshot wound that I don’t remember him getting. The final scene is slutty daughter crying, reaching for the puzzle box and then staring at the camera seductively. And that my friends… is Hellraiser: Revelations. Holy crap on a cracker, this was bad.

Now there are movies that are so bad, they’re good. This ain’t one of them. You hate every single character and you want them to be slaughtered. Pinhead has apparently not aged well, and instead of being creeped out when he shows up you just laugh. And the hell was the damn “revelation” supposed to be? The whole affair thing that was only brought up once and no one was really upset about? The kills weren’t even good, and most of the gore happened off camera. If you want to see this just to saw you’ve seen all of the Hellraiser movies, knock yourself out. But…this gets a big fat goose egg from me. Just because you have the ability to add to a franchise, doesn’t mean you should. How could Clive Barker let this happen? The world will never know…

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